You’re Doing It Wrong
How to Use Subjective and Objective Personal Pronouns Correctly
One of the things I see in my editing on a near-daily basis is the incorrect use of the personal pronouns. I blame your middle school English teachers for this.
It was probably drilled into your skull (as it was mine) that “her and me” is incorrect. And it’s partially true. If I were talking to my teacher about how my friend and I spent our lunch break, I was sure to get a lecture if I said, “Her and me went to the library during lunch.” (Yes, I was that nerdy kid.)
Mrs. Cotter would instantly correct this usage. “She and I,” she said as she pinched the bridge of her nose and squeezed her eyes shut. (I think she had a lot of headaches in those days. Yeah, I’m going with headaches.)
And so it was forever drilled into us to use “I.” But if your middle school experience was anything like mine, or a million other kids’, you might have internalized this to mean that every time you want to use two personal pronouns together, they must be subjective (or he, she, and I).
Sadly, this has created millions of people who don’t know when to use the objective pronouns, or him, her, and me. (There are also non-binary pronouns, including ae, ey, zi, zie, vie, and others. But for the purposes of this explanation, I am sticking with the more common first-person pronouns. You can find a link to nonbinary pronouns and their correct grammatical use at the end of this post).
Subjective vs Objective Pronouns
So when is “she and I” incorrect? Whenever a pronoun is the object.
Here are some examples:
CORRECT: She and I went to the library during lunch because we were nerds.
“She” and “I” are both subjective pronouns (also called nominative) and act as the subjects of the sentence.
INCORRECT: After we arrived in the library, the librarian asked she and I to help shelve books.
The librarian is the subject of the sentence and the people being asked to shelve books are the objects.
PARTIALLY CORRECT: After we arrived in the library, the librarian asked her and I to shelve books.
In this case, we’re halfway to the correct pronoun usage because “her” is the objective form.
CORRECT: After we arrived in the library, the librarian asked her and me to shelve books.
“Her” and “me” are both objective personal pronouns.
While it may sound odd to those who have spent years using the incorrect form, I promise you this is right.
Possessive Pronouns
Now, what about when you are using an objective possessive? Oh, the horror!!
Before the pandemic, about a thousand years ago, I was in a salon waiting area when I overheard a young woman ask her friend about a point of grammar.
“Is it correct to say Doug and I’s wedding? I’m writing these thank-you notes and can’t figure it out.”
The friend replied that it seemed correct to her. “Or maybe,” the friend continued, “it should be Doug and my’s wedding.”
Reader, I was having conniptions over this. On the inside, I was screaming, “Stop! For the love of Noam Chomsky, put down your pen and step away from the notecards!” On the outside, I continued to flip through the pages of the magazine in my lap because I didn’t want to be one of those people.
As the two rather dim bulbs continued to debate the merits of “I’s” versus “my’s,” it took every ounce of self-control to pretend I wasn’t listening and cringing. Eventually, the bride turned to me and asked, “Do you know which one is right?”
Why, yes. Yes, I do.
The correct pronoun here is “my.” No apostrophe-s. I explained to her that I had previously taught college writing, so she could trust me on this.
“Thank you for coming to Doug’s and my wedding.”
Note that “Doug’s” is also a possessive here.
The Secret Code
I went on to say that there is an easy way to decide which pronoun to use: Leave out the first pronoun (or name) and say the sentence again with only the second pronoun.
“Thank you for coming to my wedding.”
This works with our library example as well.
“After we arrived at the library, the librarian asked me to shelve books.”
I explained further that there is a very simple way to avoid this problem in the future. Simply use the plural pronoun.
“Thank you for coming to our wedding.”
“We went to the library.”
“The librarian asked us to shelve books.”
Now you know the difference between subjective, objective, and possessive personal pronouns. Even though it may sound off to you at first, it will soon become second nature to use them correctly.
For more information on pronoun usage, check out these links:
https://www.grammarly.com/blog/personal-pronouns/
https://www.grammarly.com/blog/possessive-pronouns/
https://uwm.edu/lgbtrc/support/gender-pronouns/